Father: What did you learn in school today ? Son: That three and three are seven. Father: Three and three are six ! Son: I guess I didn't learn anything today then !

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the menu, sir? Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.

What is the most common educational degree in New Mexico? Kindergarten dropout.

Mary: Do you think my sister's pretty ? Gary: Well, let's just say if you pulled her pigtail she'd probably say 'oink, oink '!

When do e-mails stop being in black and white? When they are read.

How do you get your pigs to sleep at night? No problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens. You must have a very large chicken house.

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys? Because they soot him!

Vampire 1: "I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died." Vampire 2: "How awful!" Vampire 1: "Yes. Fortunately, I found some in the neck of time."