A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t hen went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face". "Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"? "Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

Yo mama house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.

What did Paul Revere say when he got on his horse? Giddy up horsey !

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? A: "Life is like a box of chocolates..." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger ? No, but in the restaurant next door I once saw a man eating chicken !

What famous pig actor made a movie about Frankenswine? Boaris Karloff.

That tornado damage your cow barn any? Dunno. Haven't found the durn thing yet!

What is an astronomer? A night watchman with a college education.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.

Why do polo bears like bald men ? Because they have a great, white, bear place !