Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night? Nurse: No change yet.

What does Father Christmas call his money ? Iced lolly ?

Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever loved. Assistant: Why don't you marry her? Dentist: I can't afford to. She's my best patient.

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

"Dad," said Fred to his father, who was a bank robber. "I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow." "OK, son," said his dad, "I'll get you the cash when the bank closes."

Knock Knock Who's there ! Cymbals ! Cymbals who? Cymbals have horns and others don't !

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.'' The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?'' ''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant. "Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits." "How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant. "That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts". The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't. In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, "Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?" He replied, "Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box." Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. "But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?" she asked. "Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold it."

Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? A: You get light music.