Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both of them !

Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of gas.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde hoodlum? A: She runs around spray-painting her name on chain link fences.

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy." "No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, T HAT would be tragedy." "Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it couldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

Q: How is a marriage like a hot bath? A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Q: Why aren't Hindu and Chinese people allowed to play hockey? A: Because everytime they go into the corner they open up a convienent store.

How do you start a teddy bear race ? Ready, teddy, go !

A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband. "But why did you stab him over a hundred times?" asked the judge. "Oh, your Honor," replied the defendant, "I didn't know how to switch off the electric carving knife."

Q: What happened to the Polish National Library? A: Someone stole the book.