What is a collie puppy's favorite toy? A chew-chew train!

Hey, you just shot my wife. I'm so sorry, have a shot at mine !

What doesn't get any wetter no matter how much it rains? The ocean

Knock Knock Who's there ! Bernie ! Bernie who ? Bernie bridges !

Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .

Q: How is lightning like a violist's fingers? A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just water." The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartenter " Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt scotch quick!"] The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says " Wow. I never saw anybady drink that fast." The man says " well you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have." The bartender says " Oh my god . what is it. what do you have?" The man looks at him and says " Fifty cents."

How do dolphins send messages? By sea-mail.

What's big and grey and wears a mask ? The elephantom of the opera !