Who do they get for Babe the pig's dangerous movie scenes? A stunt ham.

Caller: Operator! Operator! Do you know my boyfriend's line has been busy for an hour? Operator: No, but if you hum a few bars, I might be able to sing along with you.

Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that? Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday !

Q: What a BLONDE will ask the doctor, in the maternity ward? A: "Is it mine?"

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file. He said it said "File not found". I told him to do a dir. I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed. He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat." I said type this in "type autoexec.bat". Again he got "File not found". I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed. He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat'.

Knock Knock Who's there ! Alec ! Alec who ? Alec-tricity. Isn't that a shock !

Recently during the heavy rains they have experienced in New England the mail carrier for one neighborhood commeneted on the "pouring rain." Well , atleast the dew point is coming down!

Shortly after the birth of their second child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips." Just then, a voice from the dressing room piped up. "If there's a dress here that will do all that- I'll take ten!"

Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed? To catch her false teeth.

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ? Because they both have "Sandy claws" !