A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise!

Knock Knock Who's there ! Buffer ! Buffer who ? Buffer you can say Jack Robinson !

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right. "I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!" "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark." "But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!" "Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home." "Okay, boss." Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck." "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect ? The Masked-quito !

I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like. How do you do that? I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it's raining!

Yo mamas so fat she walked in front of the tv and I missed 3 commercials.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An air bag.