Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are we running so fast?" asked one. "Because," said the second, "it says 'tear along the dotted line'!"
A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock island just off the coast. While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law enforcement refuses to investigate. On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested grass that has been set out to dry. Quickly they decide to set it on fire to pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the trees. The next day they read the headlines in the local paper: Pot Farm Burns - No Tern Left Unstoned.
Teacher: What a glum face, what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours ? Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it !
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
Yo Mama is so fat, she had to be baptized at Sea world. (Lionheartyz)
"So glad to meet you" said the Hindu politely ? "Charmed I'm sure ", replied the snake !
The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!
When do ghosts play tricks on each other? On April Ghoul's Day
How do cats eat spaghetti ? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ? Because they both have "Sandy claws" !